Not A Monster, Don't Feel Shame
by Svetlana Morealt
Summary: After the events in the underwater facility, Piers feels nothing but disgust and self-loathing. Chris seeks to comfort him and explain that it didn't change who Piers is, nor did what happened ruin the feelings Chris has for him. Nivanfield, prompt from tumblr.


**Another prompt (from Anon): **

**A comforting one where Piers just has pure disgust because of his C-Virus. Chris however doesn't see any disgust at all and tries to make Piers understand. Piers ignores all kinds of sweet words Chris has been saying to him. So Chris finally decides to take another approach, Chris tells Piers to transform right now. Piers doesn't at first, but that changes when Chris uses his "Captain" voice. Piers obeys, but the minute he does, Chris gives him a deep kiss.**

* * *

Three knocks, all made shortly after the eight before them that resounded from the knuckles against the door.

"Piers, come on…"

It had only been a little more than a week since Piers was released and able to return home, but every day it was the same. He'd only come out briefly during times that he would eat, which as it was had been once per day ever since he'd gotten back. Beyond that, the rest of his time was spent secluded, hidden away from the rest of the world, and even from Chris.

"You can't keep doing this, Piers."

There was a soft rustle, but no form of a reply.

Chris sighed and reached for the handle. Surprisingly, it loosely turned and had the door slowly creaking open to reveal the darkness of the room within. It was only through the moonlight that managed to peek inside from under the curtains, but he could see the outline of a figure sitting at the side of the bed, shoulders slumped with elbows on the knees. Chris stepped into the room, allowing the door to shut behind him.

"Piers-"

"Captain, don't." The voice was hoarse from exhaustion, the younger man barely ever slept anymore. When there weren't nightmares that caused the lack of rest, Piers would wake up after the first hour with a throbbing in his arm as it sparked with electricity. The wavelets often fueled the lights into flickering until they burst into shards, neither of them could count the times they had to be replaced.

Chris however was still insistent and worried for Piers. They had a while before the younger man would be put back on the field, and that in itself was sure to have its own weight hanging over his shoulders. Piers always liked his solitude… But not like this, not when it came to Chris. After what happened in the underwater facility, everything changed for the sniper.

Chris stepped closer until he was next to Piers, eyeing him the best he could in the given darkness. "I've already told you before-"

"Don't do this now." Quiet, firm. Piers was tired of hearing it, tired of listening to the things he didn't believe were true.

Chris sighed and seated himself next to the other man. Although his eyes started to adjust, it was still difficult to make out any facial expressions, and he was sure the ace preferred it that way. Piers always had a tendency to angle himself just perfectly from Chris to keep the scars out of view. The mutation of his arm could be hidden, but the broken flesh that had woven itself back together any time it was had destroyed the right side of his body. He hated what it did to him, he hated everything about it.

Chris on the other hand… Chris wasn't bothered by it. Everything Piers had done was for his sake, and while the Captain despised how the result hurt the younger man in such a way, he was still the Piers he knew somewhere under all the scars and mutations. Chris just had to dig him out and bring him back.

The Captain raised a hand, gentle and comforting, to place it over the bared skin of the sniper's left shoulder. He was shirtless - he must have been staring at the mirror again. Piers had a habit of doing that and more times than not he would shatter it with a fist. Of course there were muttered apologies, but given the circumstances Chris couldn't find it in him to get upset over it. Piers was disgusted with himself, and Chris felt responsible for it. They never would have ended up in their current situation if the Captain had been more careful.

The skin under calloused fingers tensed and pulled away like the hand that touched it was on fire. Piers lowered his head, dipping it forward into the palms of his hands. "Just go, Chris." The sound was on the verge of pleading now. Chris was the last person he wanted to see him that way, even if he was there when it happened, even if he was the reason he got into that pod to begin with.

"And leave you here? Piers, we've talked about this. It's not healthy to keep doing this to yourself." This time it was an arm that wrapped across lean shoulders where a strong hand enclosed itself over the marred flesh on the right, gently pulling Piers closer.

The younger man was squirming away in an instant, body twisting itself out of the grip so he could rise to his feet. "Stop it, Chris! I know what I am, and so do you!"

Chris didn't need to see it to know what kind of expression the ace wore. Brow furrowed with slitted eyes, perfect bow lips curved at the corners down into a scowl; the small creases that marked the tension over previously smooth features, now mutilated with heavy scarring. Chris could feel the weight of the sniper's gaze watching over him, disbelief and anger at his Captain mixed in with the self loathing.

"Piers! You know I don't care about the-"

"_I_ do!" Piers was already turning his back, walking with quick footsteps toward the bathroom to separate them, but Chris was on his feet in an instant to tail after him the moment he started to move away. A single flick from a finger had the light flipping on above them. They both half-shielded their sight momentarily, the need to readjust to the sudden brightness hitting them hard. Piers was the first to recover, mismatched eyes immediately locking onto the cracked mirror in front of the two, scaling over the reflected image of damaged skin. His body stiffened the moment Chris was back over his shoulder, his own gaze set over the span of the mirror.

Piers felt trapped, unable to turn away. There was no more trying to run or hide from what disgusted him most. A turn toward the left would display the image in the mirror. Toward the right, and ruined flesh would be in plain sight of the body hovering at his shoulder. It didn't matter that Chris had already seen him like that before; it and everything else the C-Virus caused was _disgusting_ and _dangerous_ and it ruined his whole damn life. What made things worse was knowing that if he hadn't done it, Chris wouldn't be there. In some ways it was selfishness, wishing he wasn't the monster he is. Yet he'd do it over again and again no matter how much it crushed his sanity. Because as much as he hated what the C-Virus did to him, as much as he could hardly stand the image staring back at him from inside that mirror… Chris had always been the most important addition to his existence. A life without him, wasn't a life at all. It cracked something inside each time he had to push the other man away. But Chris needed better, _deserved_ better. A hero like him shouldn't have to be anchored down by some sickening monster.

"You've got nothing to feel ashamed about," The Captain was starting one of those speeches again. Piers couldn't count how many times he'd tried to make things easier… But it just wasn't that simple. Chris didn't understand, there was no way he ever could.

"Take a good look, Captain! This is what I am now, and that's not going to change. This is the _closest_ I can get to maintaining some semblance of humanity and it isn't good enough!" Piers turned then, a quick spin on a heel that had him face to face with Chris. The Captain already knew every sickly mutation that hid away under the curtain of scars, and it was something Piers refused to ever reveal to the world again. The ruined skin was bad enough, always there to poise as a reminder that he could never be normal again.

"I _know_, Piers! I know what that injection did! I have to live with it as much as you do, remembering that _I_ was what caused you to take it in the first place!" Chris had to pause, the sound of his own voice increased in volume the more he spoke and the last thing he wanted was another screaming match with the younger man. He sighed, "I know it bothers you. I wish it wasn't this way either, but it is. You're still you though, Piers. No one can take that from you. That's all that matters."

Piers only seemed to grow more tense, "Captain, I can't even walk out of this house and feel normal. I'm out of place, I don't belong anywhere! When I took that injection, I didn't plan on getting out. I _shouldn't_ have gotten out of there, Chris!"

Chris took a step closer, Piers took one back. "Don't say things like that! The infection only changed the outside, you managed to stay in control. That's what I care about. You're not some monster we should-"

Piers threw his hands in the air and made a move to push by the older man. Chris wasn't making things any easier and what he said wasn't what Piers wanted to hear. "Why are you here? Why do you even bother-" A hand reached out and clutched a hold over one of his arms to stop him in his tracks. Piers glanced over his shoulder, mismatched eyes finding brown.

"Because it's not you that's changed, it's just your body."

"And that doesn't disgust you?"

"Not in the slightest, Piers. You're still perfect to me."

"…_Right_." The sniper pulled his arm free with a last glare before heading back into the darkness of the bedroom. He heard enough. The footsteps that followed behind however, were evidence of the older man's stubbornness.

"Piers, talk to me."

"Don't you have something more important to-"

"You _are_ important!"

"Funny how I don't feel that way."

The footsteps paused somewhere behind Piers, and for a moment he thought he'd finally got the other man to relent. The light to the bedroom switched on, bathing the area in a brighter hue so they could observe each other with more clarity; the _last_ thing Piers had would have liked.

"I want to see it."

Piers furrowed his brow, body turning so he could face Chris, "What did you just say?"

Chris moved again until he was in front of the sniper. This time Piers didn't back away, he needed to know if Chris had really just-

"I said, I want to see it."

So, he did hear it right.

"I want you to transform."

Piers scoffed in disbelief. "No!" How could Chris willingly ask that? Piers had a hard enough time dealing with the scars alone, but that… That _thing_, hidden away inside of him. He couldn't face that again, couldn't let Chris see it a second time. "Don't ask me to do that, Chris."

"I _wasn't_ asking."

There, that voice - hardened around the edges like it was out on the field. It wasn't Chris he was talking to, but his commanding officer. His Captain.

"Transform." Simple, stern. It was an order, not a request.

Piers swallowed, his head dipped downward toward his feet while his gaze averted to the floor. Immediately, a hand was under his chin to lift it back up, and suddenly Chris was even closer than Piers would have preferred to allow. He sighed, skin shifting and peeling away, parting to give room for the sickly moss-like coating that bloomed along his face and neck. His arm snapped and cracked, melding itself back into its mutated state where it thrummed, pulsing in beats like it was his own heart.

Right at the end, just as everything shifted back into place, Chris had leaned in and Piers felt the weight of lips over his own. He stiffened at first, wondering how Chris could ever want to share anything intimate with something so grotesque. But then there was a tongue nudging at him, seeking to gain entry into moist depths. Piers relented, lips parting so the small muscle could slip itself inside to mingle with his own. He couldn't believe what was happening. Arms wrapped themselves around his waist to pull him closer, sickly green meshed to tan.

Piers wanted it, wanted every bit of what was happening. But the mutation… He was an _abomination_, how could he deserve something so perfect?

Eventually they had to pull away, lungs aching for needed oxygen. Chris stayed close, leaning so that their foreheads touched together.

He was _smiling_.

"How could you-"

"I love you," Soft, sweet. Fingers raised to brush over ruined skin, slick and green with muck. "None of this can change the way I feel about you."

Piers felt his breathing hitch, still unsure whether or not he could really believe any of it was happening. It felt like something out of a pleasant dream, but it had been so long since he'd had one of those…

"Is this real?"

There was a soft chuckle at the question, "I'll repeat it every day until you believe it is. I love you, Piers." Chris tilted his head, lips tracing a line over the mutilated skin.

Piers was clean, the virus inside him couldn't be transmitted. But the fact that Chris had been so gentle, so loving and tender to the sickly coating that marred his flesh… Piers didn't understand how he could do it so openly, so easily, without cringing away.

"I love you."

There it was for the third time, the answer right there in plain view. Piers could hear his own heart thumping wildly in his ears, causing the pulse of his arm to increase and match it. Chris was telling the truth. None of it mattered to him, the grotesque monstrosity he was… It was just on the outside, and even that wasn't a bother to the older man. He sought to prove it with the delicate caresses over mutated flesh. Piers shuddered, hesitantly bringing his arms up to clutch at his Captain. He deserved better, he deserved_ more_… But Piers couldn't find the will to push him away again.

Chris didn't mind it when the mutated arm wove itself around him with the good one, if anything, he was satisfied that the younger man started to relax with him. The moment he felt a head on his shoulder, Chris tightened his own grip to keep Piers held close. They belonged that way, wrapped up in each other's arms. Neither one of them could feel so at ease anywhere else.

"I'm sorry, Chris." Piers whispered against his Captain's shoulder with a soft sigh. He felt fingers trace circles over his back, dancing between the shoulder blades where human skin met mutation.

"Shh," Chris soothed. Brown eyes slipped closed, content with having the younger man in his arms. "I'm just glad I didn't lose you over this." He almost had; first back at the underwater facility, then again with how often Piers insisted on shoving him away. But in the end it worked itself out, and Chris couldn't be any happier.

"…Chris?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you, too."

But Chris knew. Although it had never been spoken, ever since that bar in Edonia and after, when that needle broke skin, he knew how Piers felt. Chris was just glad he'd finally admitted it.


End file.
